Using Rhythm to Ground a Family: Creating Healthy Home Rhythms in Two Households

By Kerry Ingram

Nine years ago, when I became a parent, I compiled pages and pages of notes from my time as a Waldorf kindergarten teacher and created the Healthy Home Rhythms online course. I remembered how balanced and peaceful it felt, as a teacher, to flow through the day with a strong rhythm, and I knew I wanted to weave that into my family life.

When my son was a baby, my work schedule was very light, and I was fortunate enough to be at home with him. Our days consisted of activities like nursing, sleeping, being outdoors, and lots of snuggles. His father was working outside of the house and, even though I would identify both of us as feminists, we fell into antiquated gender roles. He would go off to work, and I was responsible for all of the baby-care, home-care, meal-planning, cooking, and household errands. Oh, and building community so that our little family was not isolated.

It wasn’t his fault, and it wasn’t my fault. We were simply going through the motions of our own lived experiences from our families of origin and the social narratives that influence all of our ideas of who should do what in a household. As Gen Xers, we re-enacted what was modeled to us from our boomer-generation parents rather than finding our own way through early parenting, and, as many parents know, this wasn’t sustainable. Resentment was building, and life felt chaotic.

Enter all of those notes, classes, and experiences with rhythm. 

Let’s rewind a few years. Five years prior to becoming a parent, in 2007, I enrolled in the LifeWays childcare certification program. I learned so much about rhythm, why it’s important, and what it can look like in everyday life. One of my favorite aspects of LifeWays is how the curriculum beautifully transforms concepts into practical life activities that are meaningful and feel accessible for anyone. As an assistant in a Waldorf kindergarten in Colorado, I was able to put into practice the concepts I was learning in my LifeWays program right away.

Establishing a home rhythm with my own family was a lifeline for me, not only to make space for what needed to be done but also to weave in ritual, joy, and space to do the things that were meaningful. The process of creating a home rhythm also shifted harmful gender roles so that both parents were participating in caring for the home.

Not only did our return to rhythm support us as adults, but our son was immersed in all the things that humans do in a day. Cooking, gardening, walking the dog, tidying the house, working, fixing things...all of this happened in his presence. He was included to help with everything, and he was, and still is, a tremendous participant in all the daily activities.

One thing I like to share with parents is to include your child in all of the daily tasks. Let them stir, wipe counters, chop veggies, sweep the floor, and set the table. And let them see the adults in their life have fun, work on hobbies, sit down and drink a cup of coffee while it is still hot, read a book, and get together with friends.

It’s important to acknowledge that every family and their home looks different; some families have one parent, two parents, multiple generations living in one home, different traditions, and different genders and identities. Many children split their time between multiple homes, aftercare, and/or homes of friends or caregivers.

If you’re a family who moves frequently, know that home may not be a permanently specific place but rather the physical space that is created and cultivated by a loving parent or caregiver.

For children, home is everything; it’s the most nurturing and interesting place to be with everyone they love the most. Being a part of the day-to-day activities is important because home rhythms and care develop a sense of belonging, confidence, and connection.

Back to the present moment.

Now my son shares time in two homes: my home and his father’s home. Rhythm has been a grounding cord for all of us because it wraps us in the sense of belonging and connection, even in two households. We co-create our rhythm so that it feels the same for our son, no matter whose home he is at. My nine-and-a-half-year-old has a predictable rhythm in both homes:

• He wakes up at a certain time on school days and has a big breakfast.
• He has his own responsibilities before school, like making his bed, putting away pajamas, feeding the dog, and putting his lunch in his backpack.
• He has a weekly calendar at both houses so he can see who drops him off at school, who picks him up, and what activity will be in his class each day.
• He gets a hearty snack as soon as he gets home, fifteen minutes of homework, and then play.
• He is involved with dinner preparations and clears the table each night.
• He has a consistent bedtime routine in both homes.

Was it hard for our son to shift into two separate homes? Of course. But having a consistent rhythm was an aspect that supported this transition to help him feel secure no matter where he is. As he grows, his rhythm will change in both homes so that he feels the consistency of our family values and a true sense of belonging.

Having a consistent rhythm enables parents to be more present and not multi-task because, when you have a rhythm, there is a time for everything. Speaking for myself as a single working mom, rhythm is essential for my nervous system. I know what comes first and what comes next. The things that are meaningful for my family have space in the week, and the things that need to be tended to have space as well...without me having to remind anyone (I use a printable rhythm wheel found in the HHR course link below).

Life marches on, and time is my most valuable non-renewable resource, so I want to be sure that I spend it wisely on the activities and people that are most meaningful to my family and me.

If you want to create a home rhythm for your family and could use a step-by-step framework (and some cute printables so everyone is on the same page), join the Healthy Home Rhythms online course. Learn how to align your time with your values, create a collaborative plan for home-care and make space for what is meaningful. Visit my website: communitysupportedpostpartum.com to learn more, or reach out to me on Facebook or Instagram: @communitysupportedpostpartum

Bio:

Kerry Ingram is a LifeWays Early Childhood educator and Waldorf-trained teacher, postpartum doula, parent, and founder of Community Supported Postpartum. She teaches folks how to create local parent and baby groups in their community in the Postpartum Community Care online course and curriculum. Kerry believes that parents don’t need fixing; they need support.