Being Present to Death by Tehilla Muller

Being Present to Death

by Tehilla Muller

I wonder if the more we live

As though we could die tomorrow

The more vibrant we live

And thus the more love we radiate

Death can make us beautiful

 

When I was eighteen years old, I moved to the Camphill community of Triform in Hudson, New York. I invested myself readily into the work and thrived in the community environment. I lived in the same house as a young man named David Wagner. Not only were we house mates, but coworkers we worked together during the day in the forestry department.

One ordinary day in December, I showed up to work and assisted the forestry leader in sectioning a tree and moving the parts to their designated areas. I hooked up a rather large part of the trunk to the back of my tractor and then hopped in to turn it around. As I was turning, I caught sight of David, not twenty feet in front of me, lying in a pool of blood. I ran to his aid, called 911, and began CPR with the assistance of others I had called to the scene. As I clutched him close to me, I spoke aloud, “We love you, David. We love you.” I didn’t want to let go. Not of his body or his soul.

That day was the beginning of my journey into death. For the next hours, days, weeks, and months that transpired, my life was forever changed. I wasn’t living life. I was living the “before death.” I was existing in a completely new reality which held more realms and dimensions to it than I could ever have imagined. I, too, in a way, had died.

We are all approaching the threshold, some of us consciously and some of us suddenly, some of us sooner and some of us later on in life. Step by step, breath by breath, we are nearing the onset of a new reality. Each moment is one moment closer to our passing.

Death-Doula Work

I choose to work with others as they approach the threshold because, after David died, I couldn’t live anymore. This work is the only way I can continue living. It was an honor that serendipity chose me to be there for David to help him as he died. It is a continued privilege to accompany others as they approach and ultimately cross the threshold.

When I am working with a private client, I offer an initial half hour meeting in order for both of us to understand each other better and establish whether or not we would be a good match for one another. I spend time trying to understand where my client is in the process, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. If there are any illnesses or diagnoses, what is their current medical status? Is hospice involved? What care are they receiving for their physical needs already? How are they feeling? Are they scared, angry, confused, at peace? How have they been communicating their feelings? How are they processing the information they are learning? How aware are they of the practical steps that need to be done? Advanced Care Directives, last will and testament, and any other paperwork or processes are important to navigate and understand prior to one's passing. What are their spiritual beliefs? Do they have any rituals or practices that are important for them during this time? How are they continuing to connect to their life source?

Every person has an individual story: the story of their life and the way they want to live it, all the way to the end. It is lucky that some of us have time to approach the threshold and process the experiences we have held as we enter the next phase of our journey. My job is to honor that, to listen to the sounds behind the words, the silence, the yearnings, the fears. To listen to each person as they are and as they become.

When hiring a death-doula, it is important to understand that the process of dying begins long before we are ready or aware of our own approaching mortality. Death is a part of the cycle of life. They are, in essence, inseparable. However, Western society holds very different views on aging and dying. As a culture, we tend to approach death with denial and avoidance. Part of a death-doula’s job is to name this avoidance and help create a bridge between the one passing, their family, and the eventual healing of grief. The sooner the acceptance process begins, the smoother the process will be for all involved.

Anticipating Death

While we can all understand that death is a natural process of life, it doesn’t take away the pain we will inevitably experience. When someone we love passes, we experience grief. However, grief is not strictly relegated to after a loved one’s passing; anticipatory grief is experienced before an anticipated loss. Many experience anticipatory grief as they age and come to an understanding that time with their loved ones is increasingly limited. Family members may also experience anticipatory grief as they come to that realization. Death marks finality on the physical plane. Our hearts and minds begin the process of trying to understand this finality before it even occurs. Having a trained professional who can accompany the entire family through the experience is invaluable.

Another part of the process of approaching the threshold is understanding the concept of “ legacy.” As human beings, we desire to find meaning and purpose, and as our lives near their ends, it is important that we find meaning in all we have done and all we are about to leave behind. How have we made a difference? How will we live on in the hearts of those around us? How has our life been of value? These questions are not trivial; it is important to take the proper time to reflect and expound on the nature of the meaning we have produced. At the actual time of death, our souls long for a sense of resolution here on earth. We want our conscience to be clear, our mission fulfilled, our relationships reconciled, our time spent to its full capacity. Only then can our transition be as smooth as possible. The time we take now, at any age or stage of life, to reflect clearly and devoutly on what it is we have experienced pays off indefinitely in the peace of our spirits and in the peace of our loved ones at the time of death.

It is common for a death-doula to engage their client in some form of “legacy work.” Legacy work refers to the process of creating a tangible representation of one's life both for one’s own closure and for the benefit of loved ones. This may take the form of a memoir, photo albums, art pieces, recorded messages or any other means of translating one's thoughts and feelings into a piece of reflection. Throughout the legacy work process, it is common for regrets, interpersonal conflicts, and unmet desires to arise. This is an incredible opportunity for individuals to take stock of their past decisions and sometimes heal relationships, fulfill dreams, and forgive themselves. Death is like any other experience in life. When we are prepared, we feel less afraid and that makes all the difference. The inner and outer preparation allows one to meditate clearly on this next step of the journey.

Through my work as a death-doula and hospital chaplain, I have had the honor of being present with hundreds of deaths. One thing is always clear, whether someone passes suddenly from a traumatic accident or slowly of old age. At the time of death, our thoughts don't matter. What counts is how we feel. Nothing can be hidden about our inner psychological landscape. Our feelings are all we know and all that others perceive. Practicing being present with our feelings is something that we can do at any point in life. Not only does it infinitely improve our quality of life; it also improves our quality of death. We tend to die as we have lived.

The most traumatic deaths I have seen were those of individuals who passed due to long-term diseases. They had adequate warning and time to prepare, but at the time of their passing, they did not have the capacity to be present with their emotions or the ability to let go. This caused dramatic displays of fear, anger, anguish, and even violence towards others. While these deaths may not be traumatic in the sense of a motor vehicle accident, they were traumatic for the person themselves and for their loved ones. If there is one thing we can do as we approach the threshold that will benefit us and those we love, it is to learn how to be present with our feelings, no matter how painful or how joyous they may be.

There is a meditation that I like to share with my clients as they begin meeting the idea of their own passing within themselves. I have them close their eyes and find the spot in the center of their heart, focusing their energy and intention there. I lead them through a few deep breaths, encouraging them to let go as best they can, surrendering the hold of their mind into nothingness. At the moment of dying, there is a moment when the ego must relinquish its hold on the psyche and disappear into the ether. In a sudden traumatic death, that happens forcefully and violently. For those of us who have the opportunity to prepare for our deaths, we can practice letting go long before it is time. That way, when the time comes, we know what to do, and our last moments on earth can be blissful and content. I have seen the tremendous benefits of this exercise in allowing individuals who had suffered from horrendous diseases to experience their last moments as ones of happiness, peace, presence and gratitude. There is nothing like the smile on the face of a loved one after they have gone to truly bring comfort to those who now mourn their passing.

I myself was in a car accident about eight months ago. I had a split second where I realized that the vehicle was about to hit a tree. I was sitting behind the driver's seat, and in that moment when I realized my life might be over, I meditated into my heart center and let go. Thankfully, I didn’t die, and it wasn’t even a very severe accident. However, I have been training for years to prepare myself for that moment, so that when the day comes, I will be at peace, no matter where, no matter when, no matter how. Practice makes perfect.

Approaching The Threshold

In preparing to die, we are preparing to help ourselves and our loved ones. The work we do now makes their healing possible when we are gone. This is more meaningful than any other preparation we could possibly do.

When looking for a death-doula, it is imperative to find someone who is familiar with or desiring to familiarize themselves with your practices, customs, and individual desires. Ideally, every death-doula is like this! There is an incredible piece of advice a friend gave me a few years ago when I was working on a biodynamic farm. She said,”Set aside everything you think you know, and listen.” In this work, I try to do just that. While I bring skill and experience to each situation, the most important thing I can pdo is remember that every single person is unique. My job is to listen.

When David died, I had to see beyond the ruins of his physical body in order to come close to him. I had to overcome my own body’s desire to shut my eyes so as not to see the most horrifying thing I had ever witnessed. I did that by reminding myself that the man in the pool of blood was my dearest friend. No matter what form our physical bodies take at the end of our lives, we are still and always will be the soul inside. Let us prepare for death with that understanding.

 

Tehilla Muller is a Hospital Chaplain and Death Doula who currently works at Wesley Medical Center in Wichita, Kansas as a Chaplain Resident. Prior to this she worked at Albany Medical Center in New York, and at Camphill Ghent in Chatham, New York. She has worked as a Poet, a Farmer, and a Yoga Instructor prior to finding her calling working with individuals in death and crisis.